The veterans Mini World Cup has just ended at Sitges. It was a club event featuring past masters from Bayern Munich, Paris St. Germain, Chelsea and local favourites Barcelona. I watched some of the final between Barcelona and Chelsea on Catalan TV. When I tuned in I thought the scoreline read Barcelona 0 Chelsea 1. This came as a surprise because at first glance, the touch and fitness of the Catalans looked far superior to the Chelsea FC pensioners XI. As Barça scored what I believed to be a well crafted equaliser their score went into double figures. Perhaps it’s time to get my eyes tested again. The scoreboard had read nine for the home side, not nil.

I can’t tell you the final score but it’s safe to say that Barcelona won as they were 11-1 ahead when I reached for the remote. One can only wonder how decrepid Chelsea’s semi final opponents Paris St. Germain were. Perhaps Just Fontaine was in the Saint Germain line up. Fontaine, who scored a record 13 goals for France at the 1958 finals in Sweden, is now 72. That would partly explain why PSG went down to this pot-bellied pub XI from the Fulham Road.

Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here in continuing to look after yourself once you have hung up your boots.Some of Barca’s players were in good shape. Maybe they were taking this event too seriously. Guillermo Amor was still playing in the Scottish Premier League football for Livingston just a couple of years ago. Yesterday, he was just too fit for Chelsea's booze brothers. Former Saint Mirren midfielder Victor showed some class in midfield and looked as if he could still do a job for Paisley's finest today.

The commentator spared Chelsea’s former stars by taking care not to name and shame them at every opportunity. Whoever they were, they had aged beyond recognition. But I thought I spotted Shirley Crabtree, aka Big Daddy, trying to plug the gaps in a defensive midfield role. Let's just hope the event passed off without any fatalities and give some credit to those overweight baldies with blue shirts and red faces who gave it their best shot under the hot Spanish sun. Chelsea could certainly have done with a Glen Hoddle or a Pat Nevin. In other words, someone who has kept themselves in reasonable shape since giving up the game. Reports that the BVWA (British Veterans Wrestling Association) are to set up headquarters at Stamford Bridge have yet to be confirmed.

I expect there will be plenty of World Cup scribblings on Catadonia over the next few weeks. Let’s start with the rumour that there is already discontent in the Argentina camp. Top stars like Riquelme, Messi and Crespo are living in fear that they might be replaced by none other than Maradona. At least this will be so if a group of fans have it their way. According to the Spanish daily, El País, a petition with 24,000 signatures has been sent to AFA, the Argentine Football Association, demanding that Diego Maradona plays at least five minutes of a match in next month’s World Cup Finals.

It’s an interesting idea. Personally, I would like to see this veteran element developed further. In the group stages, each of the top seeds could have a past master on the bench. If the favourites find themselves two goals up with five minutes to go then they have to send on the vet. For example, the England veterans for the group stage could be Geoff Hurst v Paraguay, Jimmy Greaves v Trinidad & Tobago and Gazza v Sweden. The fans could greet the appearance of the living legend on the touchline with a passionate rendition of Roll Out the Barrel. This new rule could lead to another World Cup first, with Zico in the intriguing position of playing for Brazil while coaching Japan at the same time.

The Eurovision Song Contest can seriously impair your senses. It can make you blind; as performers cavort around in outfits specially designed to distract the viewer from just how bad the music actually is. In fact, Eurovision can plunge you into a severe depression about the current state of music across the continent.

If you actually get anything out of Eurovision other than learning how to say and pronounce the names of numerous countries in French, then you are probably the sort of person who will enjoy this:

Learn English and Italian the Joe Dolce way (ie. badly) at

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricsd/dolce.html

Then listen to Joe's pronunciation section at

http://www.101cd.com/detail.aspx?productid=185849

The Jukebox has now broken down. That's what you get for playing Joe Dolce, Chas & Dave, Right Said Fred, etc.!

Bein Scottish is nae guarantee o qualitie, mind...

BIG COUNTRY – CHANCE/TRACKS OF MY TEARS
WATERFRONT – SIMPLE MINDS
GERRY RAFFERTY – BAKER STREET
COCTEAU TWINS – PEARLY DEW DROPS DROP
DEACON BLUE – DIGNITY

(Selected by MC Hercus)

ICICLE WORKS – LOVE IS A WONDERFUL COLOUR
YAZOO – ONLY YOU
MOODY BLUES - KNIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN
PAUL YOUNG – LOVE OF THE COMMON PEOPLE
DAVID BOWIE – MODERN LOVE
SPANDAU BALLET – TRUE
BONNIE TYLER–TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
U2 – PRIDE (IN THE NAME OF LOVE)

Punk 'Love' Songs (by Rat Scobies and Ginger Rotten)

PiL – ThiS iS NOT A LOVE SONG
KILLING JOKE – LOVE LIKE BLOOD
BILLY IDOL - WHITE WEDDING

I’m not sure if this appeared on the school jukebox but I remember eating a cone of chips at the top of Bank Lane and a William Low’s lorry was stationed outside Rettie’s chip shop. The driver popped into Rettie’s for a supper. Unfortunately, when he emerged from the shop, I was unable to get a glimpse at the contents and can’t tell you if it was a white or red pudding that he scoffed along with his bottle of Moray Cup. But I do recall that The Model by Kraftwerk, which was number one at the time, was blaring out of the stereo of his empty cab. I wanted to get in the lorry and go wherever he was going but I had to return to school. I like the Model but my enjoyment is somewhat tainted by the memory of this strong association.
This tale seems to confirm my fantastic memory for irrelevant detail. Yet, I often can’t remember what somebody told me about 3 minutes ago and last night I was writing away, having forgotten that I had left the iron on.
Perhaps we are all plagued by memories of the Kraftwerk sort. They continue to haunt and charm us in equal measure. Ron Cooper produces an 8 ball clearance in the social area to the accompaniment of Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden. Then another coin drops and Freebird takes to the skies as one of the Etheridge sisters leans against the jukebox wearing a pair of skintight bleached jeans.

A jukebox like the one modelled by the Etheridge Sisters in those heady days of the mid-eighties.

LYNYRD SKYNYRD-FREE BIRD/
SWEET HOME ALABAMA
IRON MAIDEN – RUN TO THE HILLS