I read somewhere the other day that jukebox is a word of African origin. 'Juke’ comes from the language of Gullah, spoken by African Americans in coastal areas of South Carolina. As an adjective ‘juke’ meant ‘disorderly’ or ‘wicked’, presumably in the traditional sense of the word. I cannot be alone in wishing I could have slapped an OUT OF ORDER sign on the Forres Academy jukebox back in the 1980’s. However, I invited ex-schoolmates to write in with their memories of songs that appeared on the jukebox. The response ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous.

VERDICT - HANG the DJ!

Too many culprits to list here as novelty records feature in abundance. Special mention must go to C.W. Mccall’s Convoy, which might have made it to number one yet again in terms of songs that have stuck in the memories of the ex-alumni of this fine institution. C.W. fans need go no further:

http://www.cw-mccall.com/legend/index.shtml .

Lord Rockingham’s XI (were they an aristocratic fitba team or what?) also deserve full marks for taking the Scots language to the top of the charts for three weeks in 1958. Here's the evidence:

http://www.45-rpm.org.uk/dirl/lordr.htm

And can you believe that Lord Rockingham bandleader Harry Robinson was later responsible for the beautiful string arrangement on Nick Drake's Riverman? Apparently so:

http://dustonthestylus.blogspot.com/2005/04/lord-rockinghams-xi-hoots-mon.html

Almost fifty years on it seems that the Great British public can't get enough of Lord Rockingham's soccer aristocrats. Incredibly, Hoots Mon can be yours for less than a half pint of beer.Make every nicht braw, bricht and moonlicht by purchasing wisely at:

http://www.wippit.com/DetailItem.aspx?StrItemID=19989&StrMediaID=630148&StrMediaType=S

Anyway,never mind the bollocks, here's the Next Pistols... Or at least, the first 20 songs in no particular order, with exception of the perennial no.1 by Joy Division,you can sort to your own satisfaction in the FASAD (Forres Academy Social Area Dukebox) Top 50.

Numero uno

JOY DIVISION – LOVE WILL TEAR US APART

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/soldonsong/songlibrary/lovewilltearusapart.shtml

Now that's what I call music/musak

WHAM – YOUNG GUNS
ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINK – THE LAST WALTZ
U2 – NEW YEAR’S DAY
COCTEAU TWINS - PEARLY DEW DROPS DROP
SNOWY WHITE - BIRD OF PARADISE
THE POLICE – INVISIBLE SUN
THE CARS – DRIVE
FOREIGNER – I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS
DURAN DURAN -HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF
UK SUBS - STRANGLEHOLD - (blue vinyl edition apparently!)
TEARS OF A CLOWN - SMOKEY ROBINSON
IKE & TINA TURNER - NUTBUSH CITY LIMITS
DEAD OR ALIVE – YOU SPIN ME ROUND (LIKE A RECORD)
PiL – RISE
THE JAM – ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS/TALES FROM THE RIVERBANK
GEORGE MICHAEL – CARELESS WHISPER
C.W. MCCALL – CONVOY
MODERN ROMANCE – CHERRY PINK AND APPLE BLOSSOM WHITE
LORD ROCKINGHAM’S XI - HOOTS MON (MOOSE LOOSE ABOOT THIS HOOSE)

Knocking different coloured balls into pockets may seem a curious path to fame and fortune. But I could think of worse ways to make a living in 1984. The World Snooker Championship was sponsored by Embassy although Jimmy White’s preferred brand was JPS. The player made a concession to the sponsors by smoking his way through the Embassy freebies as he waited anxiously for his opponent to miss a shot.
I was fourteen and a half years old and already a smoker. Luckily, I managed to get some time off school during the Embassy due to a bronchial infection. But I still couldn’t resist the odd puff . I blew the smoke up the chimney in the hope that my parents wouldn’t notice the smell. Neither of them smoked and my mother wondered at one point if there was an intruder living in our loft due to the faint odour of tobacco that pervaded the house.
My health gradually improved in spite of the self abuse. Toc was then able to come to the house to play a few frames of snooker on my six by three (half-size) table. It could barely fit between the bedroom walls and the bunk beds that my brother and I shared. This meant you had to hold the cue at almost vertical angles to play shots from anywhere near the cushions. One solution to this problem was a two-piece cue, which you could unscrew and play the shots in a more conventional style with the truncated part of the cue.
I was soon well enough to go back to school. Instead Toc and I decided to postpone my return and take a trip to the nearby town of Elgin to invest in two-piece cues with money earned delivering the Evening Express. After we’d bought the cues, I came up with the idea of going to visit my grandmother. I wanted to see the match between Jimmy White and Tony Meo and I knew that my grandmother would be watching it. She was snooker loopy too. While she was happy to chat over tea and biscuits and a frame of snooker, she would also wonder why Toc and I were not at school. When she asked the inevitable question we had our reply ready.
“We’ve been sent to Elgin to do a survey to find out what TV programmes people watch,” I said.
“What are your favourite telly programmes Mrs Porter?” asked Toc, really getting into the spirit of things.
Grannie was clearly delighted that her views would be included in this phantom survey.
“Well, as you know I love the snooker. And let’s see. I never miss an episode of Coronation Street. And I watch the news, Toc. You need to keep up with what’s going on in the world. That’s about it really. There are too many repeats on nowadays for my liking.”
Too many repeats. Like having to go back to school again and having to face my parents after my grannie called them to find out the results of the survey. And having to watch Jimmy White lose in the final year after year.

The mere mention of his name is enough strike terror into the People of Govan. In this Gritty Glaswegian drama,contract killer Fernando Ricksen, heads east in an attempt to finally track down Hibernian assassin Ivan Sproule and bring his head back to Govan.

“Beware! This is no Teddy Bears’ Picnic!” – The Rangers Blues

“More right wing action than a BNP rally! ” – The Daily Hun

Leaving Las Vegas

In Mike Figgis’ film, Ben (Nicolas Cage) is fired from his job and goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. He meets sexy hooker Sera (Elisabeth Shue) and a love affair begins. Ben does many of the things alcoholics do: pawns his Rolex watch, drives while drunk, sells his car. Sera soon asks Ben to move in with her. But he says, “You haven’t seen the worst of it. I knock things over, throw up all the time...” There are scenes where Ben suffers from tremors and has to pour alcohol down his throat in the middle of the night. Yet, on the whole, life for this alcoholic doesn’t seem too bad; such as the scene where he dives into a pool and drinks beer underwater as the lovely Sera swims towards him intent on a long kiss. Then as they dry off Ben is invited to lick bourbon off her breasts. All this is accompanied by beams of sunlight and Don Henley singing Come Rain or Come Shine. Funny, but I don’t recall my final weeks of drinking being that stylish. The soundtrack is very seductive throughout but it also masks the horror of the situation and detracts from a fine performance by Nicolas Cage who won an Oscar for this film. Perhaps the alcoholism and prostitution are meant to be secondary to the romance. When Ben gets his nose busted in a bar room brawl, Sera can’t wait to kiss the blood off his face and get him into bed. When Ben falls over, breaking a table and getting covered in shards of glass into the bargain, this seems no big deal. Sera has to help clean up the aftermath but compared with the ordeals and abuse she has to undergo as a prostitute, living with an alcoholic seems like a diversion or a minor inconvenience at most. Amazingly, Ben even manages to get himself up for sex during the onset of delirium tremens. This is alcoholism Hollywood style.